Am I losing my hair or my mind?

I woke up on Sunday morning quite excited to be able to do something pro-active about my hair loss, I expected to be dictated to by my body and not to have any control so this felt quite good.
So I had a shower without washing my hair (I wanted to give it 100% of my attention so did it separately over the side of the bath). Then psyched myself up to wash it all away...
It was soooo disappointing, not only did it not all come out but I was now left with a hairstyle where it was too weak to put product in it and too fluffy to be without. I wore my hat when I went out today :(

Monday, I washed it again, a bit more vigourously, and yes lots of my hair is now coming out and my sleep cap is looking more like a cat every day but I still have hair.

Is it wrong for me to want it to all fall out now? It just seems like such a pain that I've dreaded this moment for weeks and now it's here I want it to hurry up and finish already. It's the being between hairy and balding that is so frustrating. I look unsightly without a scarf or hat (really and that's being polite, my sister described me as someone off 'The Witches' by Roald Dahl) and the weather has been really muggy so I've had an overly hot head which has been really uncomfortable.
I've given up wearing my stupid pink hat at night cos it just disturbs me as I turn my head at night as I can feel it rubbing against my tender remaining strands of hair.

The sensation I have on my head is weird, its best described as when you brush your hair in the wrong direction, or if you've ever had long hair and have it in a ponytail all day then take it out, its uncomfortable but not painful. In the heat my head was really itchy and walking around even at home without a scarf is pretty much unthinkable until it's all fallen out, as I'm leaving a trail of hair wherever I go. My tiled bathroom floor looks like I've had it carpeted by the time I've finished in there in the morning.

I'm glad Amber is young enough that she won't remember any of this as the other morning when I was washing my hair over the side of the bath and there was a pile of my hair the size of a large mouse sitting in the bathtub that had been fished from the plug hole. She looked at me and said "Better", "OK" which in Amber speak means "It's Ok, and will be better soon". Bless her for not freaking out!

So anyway today is Monday, 26th I still have hair clinging on for dear life to my scalp but I have a rather fetching bald spot with Mr Baldy Man length strands trying pathetically to fill my head. Tomorrow night is my first Pampered Chef show since my hair started falling out so I'm going to have to decide if it will be the first outing for the wig or if I'll stick to the scarf. We shall have to wait and see.

This week has been a lot of firsts that I didn't expect to have - the first time of leaving my house wearing a 'cancer scarf', the first shop at Sainsburys wearing a 'cancer scarf', unexpectedly bumping into a friend at the petrol station wearing a 'cancer scarf', going to the zoo wearing...etc.
Surprisingly enough I'm starting to forget I'm wearing it which is a huge relief as I thought I would feel like I was wearing a flashing beacon on my head saying Cancer Patient (and the nice thing is even if people do think that I'm not aware of it so don't have to be consious of it).

For those of you that are wondering why I haven't just shaved it all off, there is a reason...
Apparently the longer your hair is, the larger (and stronger) the hair follicle, this is to enable it to hold onto the hair (in non chemo patients). If you cut your hair too short too close to Chemotherapy your follicle will still think it has long hair in it and will hold onto the root too tightly for it's weight therefore gravity won't be able to pull the hair out.
Once the hair has started falling out this is even more imperitive, because if the hair can't fall out on it's own it will remain in the shaft and could get infected (very bad for Chemo patients with no immunity to fight infection off).
So now you know!